Thursday, June 21, 2012

3 Totally Not Terrible Ideas for the Next Xbox

Well it looks like the Miami Heat are going to win the NBA Finals (it appears that my predictions were way off...) and I have nothing better to do than to try and provide you guys with something decent to read. I know, I'm such a charitable person.

Anyways, I happen to be a fan of the Xbox, and with all hints pointing towards the 2013 release of its next iteration, I figured now would be a good time to crank my creativity meter to eleven and try to come up with some decent (read: slightly better than horrible) ideas for the functionality of this future console.

Hold on to your seat-belts people, 'cause here I go.

1. The Xbox Cha-Ching

For most people living today, Microsoft is synonymous with "money," or if you happen to be a fan of Apple, "greed". So why not reflect that in the name of the next Xbox, a machine which will be attempting to follow up one of the most successful consoles to date in the Xbox 360?

Money money money money! Money!!!

We can even get super creative with this and change the Xbox start-up jingle to a "cha-ching" sound. While we're at it, lets also update the Xbox logo to be a picture of Bill Gates with his eye balls replaced by money symbols (that may scare the kids off though -- and you always gotta think about your potential market)!

Additionally, we could change the Xbox Home Page to be a representation of Microsoft's annual earnings report. That way, we can all bask in the glory of the gaudy profit margins we helped to create! This would be a great idea right?

Ok, maybe not so much. Nonetheless, it's a start.

2. The Xbox Kinect Box


How could anyone not like this name, it even rhymes (I swear Xbox and box are technically different words)!

It'll look like this, only three times larger and with the camera lenses modified to look like The Illusive Man's eyes.

With Microsoft's focus on developing the Kinect for the 360, it's only natural for them to take the concept even further on their next generation machine. This version of the Xbox could ship as a giant Kinect peripheral; forget about the disc tray, controllers, heck, forget about the hardcore games. All you need is the Xbox Kinect Box and a digital copy of Dance Central 4! What could be better than that?

Don't answer that question...

3. The Xbox ATM


The gray really makes it stand out.
I've established that Microsoft is loaded with cash with my first naming suggestion, so why don't they share the wealth a little bit? In this version of the Xbox, the console is designed like a full fledged ATM, complete with the ability to deposit and withdraw money (it will accept checks too!)

The best part about this is that you will have the option to draw money not only from your own bank account, but from the gilded coffers of Microsoft themselves. Of course, they'd have to cap the amount you could withdraw per month, but think of the possibilities (such as helping to pay off my college loans)!

In effect, Microsoft would be luring customers in by offering to pay you to bring their console home!

The kicker? Xbox Live Gold will now cost approximately $199.99 a month, and Kinect will become a $499.99 add-on that is required to play 98.7% of games released on the console (forget better with Kinect, now it's only on Kinect).

In truth, Microsoft would be running a scam similar to printer companies, who practically throw their machines at you so that they can shove overpriced ink which costs a bajillion times less when purchased in the form of a pen down our throats (but I digress, this subject deserves its own article to cover in full...).

On a final note, I think I just found a loophole in my own suggestion. How about you just buy the Xbox ATM, withdraw money, never buy Kinect or Xbox Live, and proceed to live the high life? I'm a genius! Now, if I could just convince Microsoft to pull the trigger on this concept...






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