Saturday, June 28, 2014

Julius Randle: Buff Bringer-of-Death



Ah, Julius Randle. Just picked two days ago with the 7th pick of the NBA Draft by the Los Angeles Lakers. What makes Mr. Randle an intriguing prospect? His ability to dominate the post? The barrel-like muscles that encase his herculean chest and arms? The slightly bulging eyes and intense attitude that would scare most children (and adults)? All of the above?

If you watched his post-selection interview, you would see why a guy like Kobe, and your average Lakers fan, likes him. He's angry. Angry that he was skipped over by so many teams, and chomping at the bit to show everyone what he's made of.

Don't be surprised if he wins rookie of the year. He's buff, he's tough, he'll blow your house in. He's the relentless wrecker of all that is holy on God's green Earth. He'll take the NBA by the horns, rip them off, crack them in two, dip them in some boiling water, and gulp down the resulting steaming bone marrow stew faster than you can say "Mitch Kupchak wants his cups back."

On a team like the Lakers, whose current roster is filled out by a gimpy Kobe Bryant, a senile Steve Nash, and some bald joker with terrible dance moves, stone hands, and a touch around the rim that would induce vomiting in the likes of Kwame Brown named Robert Sacre, Randle is set to shine.

Have you seen his arms? They're big. Like, Blake Griffin big. But bigger. Know what I mean? He threw college players around as if he were the Hulk to their Scarlet Johansson. Sure, NBA players are a bit tougher, meaner, and in some cases, fatter, but I doubt they'll be able to contain him down low.

I mean, let's be real. Most teams play glorified small forwards at the four slot. Randle will snap their necks and feed their entrails to his pretty blonde girlfriend. Real power forwards, like Pau Gasol and Tim Duncan, now get played at the five slot. Have you seen their arms? Duncan might as well be a twig, and Gasol is like a personified asparagus-llama.

The mighty Randle's only opposition down low would probably be Dwight Howard, who's too busy paying for his fifty children to actually concentrate on whats going on in games anyways.

Roy Hibbert? The dude's a softy. Randle would rip his arms off and use his abdominal muscles to craft organic athletic tape.

Blake Griffin? Randle would beat his skull into the hardwood with his bulging biceps the moment the vanilla gorilla flopped.

Am I overstating things? Maybe. But really, have you seen this dude's body (cue homophobic jokes here)? Or how athletic he is? 

I can't believe seven goddamn teams passed up on the guy who will probably be the second coming of Charles Barkley mixed with Chris Webber mixed with Karl Malone mixed with Blake Griffin.

I laugh especially at the Celtics, who took Marcus "raging bull" Smart when they already have Rajon "I want to kill my coaching staff" Rondo, and are in desperate need of ANY type of offensive talent down low. Right now all they have is some Canadian Fabio and a bunch of no name scrubs who'll probably be featured in some ESPN 30 for 30 documentary in a couple years. 

That smarmy imp Danny Ainge will be fired soon enough, and I swear to you, he'll look back at this NBA Draft as the day he made his greatest blunder.

Feel free to keep this article in your records, as I just know Randle is going to choke this league out with his big meaty claws. People slept on him because he was restricted by one of those terrible collegiate offensive schemes that makes scrubs look good and NBA level talents look like roleplayers. Now he's out to make people pay. Better watch out league. The next big thing is on his way, and he's arriving at an arena near you lean, mean, and possibly mentally disturbed this October.

I almost feel bad for his opponents in this year's summer league. With his full potential unleashed, Randle's going to look like a superstar. He's going to consume the soul of every overrated lottery pick, second round prospect, and undrafted hopeful he goes up against in Las Vegas, mark my words. At that point, you may begin to hear reports of the Cavs/Bucks/76ers/Magic/Jazz/Celtics GMs offing themselves, for good reason. 

And who will be responsible for all of those untimely, gruesome deaths? Julius Randle.





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